As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
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I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!