I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
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You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I never needed anything more in my life
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?