WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
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If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.