Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
You Might Also Like
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.