If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
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Lucky for them, they’re cute
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
how to exercise your calf muscles
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant