I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
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The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
it must be school picture day
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”