Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
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DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Cat.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?