BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
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Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.