ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
You Might Also Like
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Me in tagged photos
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.