Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
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every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
two people or more is called a problem
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us