How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
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The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Camping tip: No.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone