My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
You Might Also Like
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul