*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
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Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”