I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
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Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
You wish you had this many chins.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
so, is there a mister shapen head
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi