I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
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I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?