Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
You Might Also Like
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.