My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
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Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY