[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
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Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
no regrets