11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
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Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*