Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
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[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids