I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
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got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Expect the unexporcupine.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?