Everyone is awful in their own special way.
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In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Anyone want a chair?