I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
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What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
When you don’t understand how floors work
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
He just like my cat fr
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.