*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
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Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me: