my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
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Thanks to a fan for this one!
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit