Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
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On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
ok this is my dumbest yet
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment