I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
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[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.