You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
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a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
LOOOOOOL
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Those are good neighbors.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN