[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
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I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.