me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
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snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Check out the legs on this baby
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is