Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
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My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.