Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
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Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.