An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
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I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
A Short Story.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.