What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
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Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
who will stop them
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!