This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
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After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.