Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
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The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
my favorite genre of twitter
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
How actors in movies eat their food
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact