Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
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My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.