I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
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Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Breaking news:
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
having children is a pyramid scheme.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”