your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
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I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
*3.5 thank you very much.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
I missed you with all my darts
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.