hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
You Might Also Like
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
This makes total sense…
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is