Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
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Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*