hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
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[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
What about a To-Don’t List?
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
How to woo a woman
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.