[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
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Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.