Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
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Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
“you recording!?”
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.