My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
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Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
channeling her this year
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.