Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
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Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.