him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
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Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”