Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
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I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods