Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
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‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
i love meeting boys on tinder
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.