My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
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Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
I’d hang this in my house.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me